Since i made a good old tutorial for you guys do leave your thoughts on the c-box for this post if you would like.
Hey, anyway, it's 12:07 a.m. right now. My life has been okay, i haven't updated in almost a year, hmm, alot has been going on right now and if you're one of my friends that are reading this, please, don't take it at heart.
I am depressed right now. Not as most 14 year olds i guess? I look at the bigger picture in life, like DOES GOD REALLY EXIST ?
WHO IS GOD ?
IS ISLAM, THE RELIGION I'M FOLLOWING, TRUE?
I have alot of questions, alot. & with life the way that it is i'm suffocating. I really am. I can't describe what has happened to me but i can just tell you that for me life right now is painful. I have thought of suicide before. Seriously thought about it before. Oh my god doing this post is making me remember the worst moments in my life, please spare me as i cry a river writing this post. Writing this is hard for me, to remember this pain. Anyway, i found my way in Islam and studied it explicitly to follow it. You should too. Life right now is hard, but the only reason why i dint kill myself is because of my sins. For the first time in my life, my sins actually saved me. To be in depth, it was probably god that saved me. Or my sins. I don't know. Truth is if i was a saint that was promised heaven and memorized the whole quran, and if suicide was not a sin in Islam i won't be writing this post right now. I'd be gone. But since it was wrong and i'm not a saint (neither a devil ish) , since i realize that i have so many mistakes and sins, i decided to take a step back and not kill myself. I don't want to explain my story explicitly but none of my friends knows about it. Or my family? It's not something that i can explain. It's something god-given. I can't explain. If i did i think i'd choke and consider killing myself right now, because typing it is just as painful as experiencing it. You don't know what i had been through. I dint tell my friends about it or about this post because they only thought of me as this very happy girl. Well, no. If you ever sleep thinking, "i dont want to wake up tomorrow", then you had probably experienced pain. I wish i could tell you how hard my life is. I type normal things on twitter and facebook but inside i'm killing myself. The worst part of my situation at the time when i was about to go suicide was the part where i thought even god hates me. Because i'm just human, you know, i make mistakes. I cried so much. I locked my room and cried and cried and cried. Not like anyone would care,. I continued crying. The pain won't stop. It's painful, no matter how much i cry , the pain won't stop and so i wrote it on my diary using the old terms of actually writing the words down on a book with a proper pen, while crying. It was painful to me. To write and remember the things i don't want. To remember that i'm not loved at all. No one really loves me, no one does. No one tells me so. Anyway i found my way to islam and right now i'm trying to battle up my way to Jannah again. please pray for me. Alot of things has happened, alot. The worst part?
No one really cares.
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